“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves: regret for the past and fear of the future.” — Fulton Oursler
The other night I was having trouble sleeping, and as I lay awake in bed I started thinking about my program at A.T. Still University and that in another month or so I would be returning to it and my hiatus would be over. While I was thinking about that a few things that I suppose have been floating around in my subconscious mind for a while finally took form. Specifically, I'm not sure that I want to return to my program at ATSU next term because I'm no longer entirely sure that this program is the one for me.
I realize that in the last year or so I've said many complimentary things about the school, the program, and the people who make them happen. I should hasten to reaffirm that those things are all true, and that I still feel that way about them. So let me explain what this new doubt is not about:
- It's not about A.T. Still University as an institution. They've had their growing pains, and they've changed out their leadership a bit, but overall that they're able to managed their strong growth is a great sign. I think they're an interesting school with an exciting history that's done well to branch out into related subjects to healthcare, and that has a bright future.
- It's not about my program. Especially for an American doctoral program, it's very cleverly designed, and the way the coursework and research are integrated is a model of which other schools should take notice and emulate when designing their own doctoral programs for practitioners.
- It's not about the people on my dissertation team. Dr. Mac has been nothing but supportive, and Dr. Summerfield's comments have been invaluable. It's true that Dr. Lanou has been pretty quiet, but then she's a busy person with a lot going on, and I could have been making a lot better effort to catch up with her.
In part, it's about my topic. By the end of my first term my topic had to be concretely decided, and in that haste it ended up becoming something that went from being focused on distance learning, to being something focused more on motivational differences. The truth is that I'm much more interested in the former than the latter, but one thing I do know about motivation is that it's something you need to have in spades in order to finish a doctoral program.
The other part is that when I was deciding a year or more ago, I passed up an intriguing opportunity, to do a doctoral program that was entirely research-based through Cape Peninsula University of Technology in Cape Town, South Africa. I have a very strong interest in the developing world, and their Dean of Informatics was very supportive of the idea of my doing research as an external student through their institution, and I actually really liked him. He even told me about their e-Innovation Academy that was set up precisely to support the sort of interdisciplinary postgraduate research in fields like education and technology that so appeals to me. Recently I've realized that I think about that program as the one that got away.
I thought that once I chose a program that would be that, I wouldn't look back and wonder whether I had made the right choice. But now I feel unexpectedly uncertain, and it's not very convenient. It was a very tough decision to make in the first place, but I figured that once it was made I'd carry on and never actually stop to think that maybe I'd made the wrong decision, certainly not wrong enough that I'd go back to start, especially after three terms.
But it seems I was wrong, and I'm not sure what to do. I have a little time to decide, but not forever. In part a reason not to jump is that I'm afraid of being a jumper, that if I do then a year from now I'll just feel like doing it again. I really don't think that's the case here, but it's something to consider. Either way, some serious pondering is in my immediate future. Comments, as ever, are welcome.
Next up, uncertainty of a different sort as I comment on what might change for students of Penn Foster College as their school is bought by Princeton Review.
Image courtesy of EL1998P71