Okay, if you are easily offended by political jabs, run, don’t walk away from this post. But if you like a good laugh at the expense of the candidates, even yours, read on. You’ve been warned.

The educational background of a President has always intrigued me. What does it take to lead the greatest, most powerful nation on earth? Apparently for most of them being a lawyer seems to be just the ticket.

Democrats

Hillary Clinton

The good:
She has definitely had sexual relations with Bill Clinton, which uniquely qualifies her for the White House. Of course it took him 6 months to admit it.

The bad:
Every time she speaks I feel like a shrill stepmother just chewed me out.

The ugly:
Crocodile tears. Other than anger she seems to have the emotional range of Data (from Star Trek) but without the charm, loyalty or the logic.

Bachelor of Arts (BA) from Wellesley College, an upper crust all women’s college, which explains why she sticks with Bill while he sticks everything else.
Juris Doctorate (JD) from Yale University, home of the Yale Bulldogs the avowed rival of the Harvard Crimson.


Barack Obama

The good:
Oprah loves her some Obama

The bad:
He has to remind people he’s actually black. Okay Barack, we can see that, moving on.

The ugly:
An MTV generation President?

Attended Occidental College
Bachelor of Arts (BA) Columbia University famous for their recent visit from Mahmoud Ahmadinejad where the president of the university publicly ridiculed him and called him names while Mahmoud made a convincing political counter argument of “if you don’t stop, I’m going to car bomb your family. I’m a peaceful dictator damn it!” Mahmoud has an “Obama for President” sticker on the back of his favorite T-34 Russian surplus tank that Russia never supplied to Iran.
Juris Doctorate (JD) from Harvard University. No wonder he and Hillary are at odds, both argue over which school has the weakest football team.


John Edwards

The good:
That guy has got some beautiful hair.

The bad:
He’s prettier than his wife and he tells everyone about it.

The ugly:
He really doesn’t make any sense but he looks sharp doing it.

Bachelor of Science (BS) from North Carolina State University, probably why Obama and Clinton never send him Christmas cards.
Juris Doctorate (JD) from University of North Carolina Chapel-Hill which is known for their famous motto of “not quite Harvard or Yale but we’ll do” in Latin. (Not really)


Republicans

Mike Huckabee (my personal favorite believe it or not)

The good:
Chuck Norris really likes the guy.

The bad:
Has anyone else noticed his eyes don’t look in the same direction at the same time? I bet he’s really hard to sneak up on.

The ugly:
He’s from Arkansas. It doesn’t get any uglier, except maybe for Mississippi.

He should run on the platform of “hey, did you guys notice I’m one of two persons running who isn’t a lawyer?”
Bachelor of Arts (BA) from Ouachita Baptist University, home of the internationally famous Tigers, no not Auburn, no not Clemsom either, okay it’s not Mizzou or Louisiana State. No it’s the Ouachita Tigers! You better ask somebody!
Sorry, no graduate degree. Hey, he’s from Arkansas where a BA is like being royalty. Besides, Chuck Norris says the man is okay and that’s enough for me. I’m a little afraid of Chuck actually, he said if you don’t vote Huckabee he’d take a cue from Sylvester Stallone and make another Delta Force movie. I shudder at the thought.


Rudy Giuliani

The good:
He has excellent taste in brides, his, yours, it doesn’t matter, he’s an “open relationship” kind of guy.

The bad:
I think he’s part of the mob. Yes, that mob.

The ugly:
He’s so slick, I feel like I need to check my wallet and pull my wife closer when I hear him speak. And that’s on the television.

Bachelors degree (unknown if BS or BA, but being that it’s Rudy, I’m guessing pure BS all the way) from Manhattan College. He actually said he considered being a priest because of his education but then realized he likes chasing tail WAY too much for that.
Juris Doctorate (JD) from New York University School of Law. It was an offer he couldn’t refuse. Rudy is known for bringing down the mob or at least for breaking up rival Mafia bosses who weren’t paying their “protection money” on time. I shouldn’t have written that, now Tony and Vitto will be looking for me for sure.


Mitt Romney

The good:
Did you know he was Mormon?

The bad:
He is, he really is a Mormon.

The ugly:
Nobody knows where he stands on anything (including him) but we’re absolutely sure he’s a Mormon.

Bachelor of Arts (BA) from Brigham Young University (where else).
Master of Business Administration (MBA) from Harvard University.
Juris Doctorate (JD) from Harvard University. What can you say? Mitt’s got more education than any of them. I suppose he would be okay if it weren’t for the PhD he got from the John Kerry University of Waffles and Flip Flops. But hey, not everyone is perfect, certainly nobody here.

Fred Thompson (who cares right?)

The good:
I think he’s stopped acting.

The bad:
He really likes McCain, they frequently have conversations and bore each other to sleep over coffee at Starbucks.

The ugly:
Pretty much everything above the neck…well, yeah, and most everything below the neck too.

Bachelor of Science (BS) from Memphis State University
Juris Doctorate (JD) from Vanderbilt University famous for dragging the bottom of the SEC year after year in football.


John McCain III

The good:
The other guy who's not a lawyer.

The bad:
He's John McCain III (the 3rd).  Yes he really is as bad as most sequels.

The ugly:
Don’t blame him for being wishy washy, he only does what the voices in his head tell him to do.

Bachelor of Science (BS) United States Naval Academy

Well there are others of course, but none that are known well enough to pick on and I’m not wasting my breath making them slightly more famous than they were before this post, so there you have it.